Ohh it’s been too long

It’s been a while since my last post. I am a little disappointed in myself as I promised I’ll write as much as I can. Life sometimes have a way of making new plans for you and it’s easier to just go with the flow. I guess I won’t be too hard on myself though because subsequent to my last post I’ve found a job, then there was the holidays and all the new year drama. But I’m glad to be back and have some time to sit and write a little.

Today I just want to state my hopes and dreams for this year, and by no means is it a New Years resolution on anything but rather a stepping stone in my journey for happiness.

Firstly this year I want to start being brave and courageous. For too long I’ve let people scare me and push me around. I had a great experience on my vacation which really change me perspective on life. I was able to conquer some of my fears and it’s given me the will power to conquer all of them. Definitely I want to practice being assertive and not let people control me. I believe this is one of the most important things to consider when dealing with depression.

Secondly,

I want to be clear in the things that make me happy and bring me joy. After this is established I want to go out into the world and do them. Fear and self doubt has held me back a lot from doing the things I like, but I’ve realized I feel the happiest when I’m doing the things that make me happy. This may seem trivial but the reality is you can be happy by doing what makes you happy. For me some of these are going to the beach, cooking, diys and studying.

Next I want to get mentally and physically healthy. I have gain a few pounds over the years and I really want to lose it. I am not one to really obsess over my physical outlook however in my journey to be the best me I believe physical health is a step in the right direction. Also over the years I’ve developed some bad habits that affect me mentally. I think it’s important for me to formulate so positive habits and get rid of some of the bad. One such habit is wake night waking and not getting the recommended hours of sleep. All studies have confirmed getting enough sleep helps improve mental health. I have begun practicing good sleep practices and have improved my sleep immensely. So if you are looking for a tip to get stronger mentally I definitely recommend getting proper sleep.

These are some of the many changes I want to make in my life. I understand though everything can be done all at once. And as they say Rome was not built in one day. And so too I understand this is a journey and not a task. This way I’m almost certain to not give up as I take one day at a time. I’m not going to lie and say it’s been easy or I have not felt depressed recently. But I have so much hope and positivity that I know it’s only going to get better.

If anyone out there feels depressed or can relate to how I feel then I hope you read this post and see that is some hope yet for us. Things do get better by doing small attainable changes to your life but most importantly you must never give up. I am not a trained physiatrist but if you are lost and then my opinions above are a good place to start. Just to summarize they are :

1) stand up for yourself.

2) write down what makes you happy and then go do it.

3) get physically and mentally healthy.

Hope this can add some value to you and know that you are not alone. Thank you for reading my post and a special thanks to all the people who like and comment on my post. Until next time live live happy.

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Tell me a little about yourself…

For the past couple of years my answer to the question of who I am has been the same.

“I am a graduate with a Bachelor of Science in Mathematics. I am hard working, honest and very dedicated. “

And that is because for the past few years I have been in and out of jobs and was asked this in every interview. Right now I have this line rehearsed to a T as I have been unemployed for the last 6 months. But in writing this blog I asked myself that same question. That is something I haven’t asked myself in a while. I felt it necessary to dig a little deeper not only to give my readers something to read about but to remind myself of who I am. So here goes….

My family

I was born in a caribbean country to a very simple East Indian family. And when I say simple I mean simple in terms of we had simple things, the essentials. We had just enough to get by and pay our bills. But our lives was far from simple. The household was made up of people with different ideas and views about life and somehow everyone couldn’t find a way to co-exist. Most days you would just have to sacrifice the things you wanted just not to upset one another.

Our family tried to always be right.They stayed out of everyone’s way, trying not to step on any toes. And if someone inconvenienced us we just let them get away with it and quarrel amongst ourselves.We had a routine. Wake up, go to school or work, come home early, eat, watch news, do homework, sleep and repeat. Everyday. Once in 6 months we may go to the beach but somehow during the preparation someone would do something to get someone angry and the excitement quickly left.

After sometime my family dynamics changed. We went from an extended family to a patriarchal nuclear family. Not much changed though. Our lifestyle remained the same. My family didn’t believe in flogging but rather ruled by fear. You were trained to be afraid of everything. The greatest fear I had growing up was disappointing my parents. That fear was so intense I gave up everything that made me happy just to make them happy. ( This sort of led me into therapy later in my life but I’ll leave that to another post.) I was a very humble child. I didn’t ask for anything. I appreciated everything I got and I was very well behaved. I loved to eat, I still do. I have always been very detailed oriented and have this awareness that I can read people and situations and know exactly what would happen next. I definitely over think alot too. I’m smart and witty, very honest and I try to be logical as much as I can…..

School days

I never really liked school I was just good at it. I mean, I wasn’t Isaac Newton smart but I could pass an exam without studying. I was always in the top 5 through out my pre University life. I love Mathematics and science. I quickly became all my teachers’ favourite.

Although I was well known in school for being smart, socially I was invisible. I had very little real friends and more of people whom I “just know.” Together with my overprotective parents, the chances of me maintaining friendships was slim. For me this wasn’t so much of a problem until I reached high school. In high school I remained quite timid. Afraid of my teachers and other students. Remember I told you how my parents trained me to be afraid of everything, well I was so afraid that I never volunteered or took part in anything. Soon it began affecting my studies. I started getting distracted in school. I began focussing on trying to fit it. I started shadowing the cool kids. Doing what they did. On some days I was still invisible to them and on others when they did notice me they would redicule me for trying to be something I wasn’t. My self-esteem and self confidence took quite a beating. Somehow I was able to scrape through high school with some good passes but mentally I was broken. It’s weird but my brain literally felt broken when I graduated. Like pieces of my head just disappeared. The little bit of joy I had wasn’t there anymore….

I started University a year after finishing high school. I thought maybe taking a year off school would help me but it didn’t. University required much more than just showing up to class. Intereacting with your peers and your lectures was extremely important. But I didn’t know how. So while everyone else collaborated and got assistance I would sit quietly in the back hoping that like in high school, somehow I’d pass. Well, I learned what it was to actually fail. Because I failed some courses and had to take an extra year. I tried improving my social life but my fears of rejection kept growing. I was always out of the loop. When we got assignments I would be lost and didnt have anyone to ask for help. Eventually I graduated University with a Bsc in Mathematics with a pass degree. The proudest day of my life but also with so much regret. I knew I was capable of getting honors. I knew I could have took part in the karate club, the cricket club the debate club. All these regrets I still hold on to even till this moment.

Me at 25 now

So in retrospect my childhood wasn’t bad. But it wasnt all that great either.It was uneventful and rather boring. I didn’t capatilize on opportunities to grow and mentally I was broken. I developed low self-esteem, low confidence, depression and an intolerance for stress. Writing this post was quite emotional for me as I remember how hard it was for me growing up. Now, after working different jobs and meeting new people it has gotten a little easier. I am still afraid and suffer from social anxiety, but I have reached a point where I atleast try. I believe I am more aware of myself and started practicing positive attitude and behavior changes. Counselling has helped me alot to realize my self worth and some of my fears. I have found myself going out more with my girlfriend and have seen great improvement in myself. However I think I have alot of work still to do. I have a drive to be successful and desire to be happy.I hope and I pray that one day it will get better and I’ll have that joy back in my life. And I could have friends and be part of something that gives me fullfilment.

To someone looking in from the outside they would say your parents gave you everything, you had food and books what more could you ask for? Well honestly that is true but why was it so tough for me? Did I lack proper guidance? Why do I feel as pieces of my life are missing? Why do I feel like I lost my way now? To you my readers I’d love for you to share your thoughts about my story…..until my next post Live Life Happy.

A blog in 2018? Why?

After a long and hard deliberation I finally decided to share my life experiences with other people. In 2018, where blogs are yesterday’s news and vlogs are everywhere one might ask why now? Why here? Well let’s just say I’m an introvert and I have not graduated to recording my self talking about my life as yet. I think people still read blogs though. I do. And when I do, I relate to most people and I feel that I want to share my thoughts with people too. I want to tell my readers ( hopefully I’ll have atleast one who would follow me) my view of the world. What I like and what I don’t like. Why politics and people are independent and…..ok I think I’m getting a bit carried away. This post is supposed to be an introduction. I’ll save that point for a later post.

Writing is relaxing, it takes you away from the world and you just focus on what you want to say. I can write for hours. I guess that is why I chose to write this blog. Idle minds are self- destructive. I will recommend to anyone if you want to stop over thinking then start writing. It has work for me. And with this blog, I hope it continues to channel that untamed energy into something productive.

A blog requires commitment, concentration and creativity. All of which I lack. Somewhat. So maybe as I excitedly and emotionally share my innermost thoughts and feelings with you I would work on those values that I so desperately desire. I’m in my third paragraph and I already feel empowered. I’m already thinking of my next post. So atleast the creativity part is working. 😁

That’s about it for my introduction to my blog. In summary I look forward to sharing my experiences with you. I’m excited to write and be engaged and most importantly share my troubles with people whom may be experiencing similar triumphs and if I help someone well I’ll be super excited about that. Look out for my next post where I’ll talk about myself and who I am. Untill then Peace, Love and Happiness.